After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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