Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
