You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
