i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
