sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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