I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
