She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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