yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
