She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
