I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
