I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
