i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
