you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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