cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
