My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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