life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you guys were way drunker than both of me
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
