I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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