Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
