I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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