my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize