My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
