Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
