so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
