True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
