I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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