Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
