You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
