remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
thus making me awesome and them whores
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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