there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
