not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
