Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
