I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
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If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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