Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
