I cannot find my penis.
I wish you could order shots online.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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