Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I pour the whiskey from now on
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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