Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
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When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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