I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
