Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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