I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
