Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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