If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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