I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
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