The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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