Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
