i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
