Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The air was thick with penises
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
