So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
