I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The best revenge is premature balding
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
