I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
