My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
