don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
