If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
