last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
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He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
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I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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