just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
