If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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